Coming Out
COMING OUT is something I did a few years ago. But it's possible no one knows it.
The reason people may not know it is that I didn't do the "I have something I need to tell you..." circuit chat with friends and family. Why? Because I didn't want to. Why? Because I'm sort of personal when it comes to a lot of things, especially love and sex. And I'm not really interested in love, sort of.
I can't quite see the point of having a sit down chat with grandma to tell her I'm queer and that means I occasionally have casual sex with men and look at lots and lots of naked guy pictures online. Not only would it be awkward it's also none of her business.
Now if I'd had a boyfriend who I was going to settle down with (or was just dating) then it'd be different. It'd be about love and relationship and an extra birthday card from Grandma with $5 in it for Chip or Barry or Steve or whatever the boyfriend's name was. (Hopefully his name wouldn't actually be Barry.)
But since love and relationship really isn't an interest of mine telling people "I'm queer!" seems like telling them "I am totally into big assed blonde gals with tattoos!" (For the record: I'm not into big assed blonde gals with tattoos. I'm not against them, they're just not a fantasy of mine.)
"Wow, jackass, that's a really awesome coming out story!" I hear an imaginary reader of this post snidely say. (I'm assuming imaginary readers will be all I have.)
But wait! There's more!
No, I didn't write letters or call or have lunch meetings with everyone I know to tell them I was queer because I also didn't feel a need to.
"Oh, nice. Another excuse!" says a different imaginary reader even more snidely.
Yeah, sure, maybe. But as I see it coming out isn't for anyone but yourself. (Sort of...See below.) It's for you to do so you can live the life you want to live. And that's what I did for myself.
"How?" a third imaginary reader asks in pleasant nonjudgmental tone. (Wow! THREE imaginary readers, so cool!)
If anyone asks me some rude and prying personal question about my sexual orientation I'll answer them honestly.
I 'm not going to worry if what I read or watch or listen to or like on Facebook might suggest that I'm gay.
I won't try to jam the gaydar of the occasional gay guy I meet through work or friends.
And that's pretty much it. I'll be who I am publicly and if anyone asks I'll tell them...Though I might first reply with "Why do you want to know? Do you want to sleep with me?"
Now the funny thing about all of this is that I'm pretty sure all my friends and family assume I'm gay. This has nothing to do with any outward behavior (other than awesomness) but because I'm middle aged, single, and have never dated or talked about dating. In our society that means G-A-Y because every man who would want to be with a woman would be with one, right?
No one ever drops me hints or tries to get me to go see a production of Mama Mia with them or tries to set me up on dates. If they do assume I'm gay they must think I'm celibate or asexual. (Or not dating material in which case they're probably right.)
Now there is an important exception to the comfortably convenient notion that coming out is personal and done for yourself only...When a guy comes out it let's other "closeted" guys know that it's doable and it's OK to be queer.
Coming out also puts a face on the whole LGBTQ thing for any stick-up-the-ass relatives and friends a guy might have. It's easy to hate a faceless concept, harder (though unfortunately not impossible) to hate your friend, brother, or son.
In defense of my never having had a coming out party I'll point out that my whole adult life I've been a liberal loudmouth about equal rights for all people and I'd particularly drag someone onto the mat over LGBTQ issues.
I also never pretended to be straight. (OK, I did hide my gay porn but left my straight porn in a box under the edge of the bed.) I never faked having a girlfriend, I always used gender neutral pronouns when yacking about love or writing lyrics and poems. (Relax! I have no plans on sharing any poetry with you.)
But...I also never said "Damn! He's cute as hell!" in front of my friends when some cute as hell actor came on a TV show.
I'm never going to throw that coming out party for myself, especially as at my age it'd seem silly. It's sweet when a young guy comes out to his dog (an Adventures In Gay comic that I can't locate now) and then his parents. But a middle aged guy? Just start being open and don't lie about it.
Throwing the coming out party at my age would imply that all my life up to now has been lived under some dark shadow. But it hasn't. Sort of. I genuinely don't know how my life would have gone if, when I was 23 I had a talk with my dog and then the important people in my life. (My family isn't really on that list. Even if I were straight and dating I wouldn't introduce my girlfriend to my family. Too much crazy.)
But party and heart-to-hearts aside what matters most is that I will no longer check myself if I want to tell someone about a great queer film or musician. Or if I want to like Adventures In Gay on Facebook, which I did earlier today which meant that all 200 of the mostly complete strangers I call "friends" could have seen the notice "Barry Bark* liked Adventures In Gay" and I don't care.
*Not his real name.
The reason people may not know it is that I didn't do the "I have something I need to tell you..." circuit chat with friends and family. Why? Because I didn't want to. Why? Because I'm sort of personal when it comes to a lot of things, especially love and sex. And I'm not really interested in love, sort of.
I can't quite see the point of having a sit down chat with grandma to tell her I'm queer and that means I occasionally have casual sex with men and look at lots and lots of naked guy pictures online. Not only would it be awkward it's also none of her business.
Now if I'd had a boyfriend who I was going to settle down with (or was just dating) then it'd be different. It'd be about love and relationship and an extra birthday card from Grandma with $5 in it for Chip or Barry or Steve or whatever the boyfriend's name was. (Hopefully his name wouldn't actually be Barry.)
But since love and relationship really isn't an interest of mine telling people "I'm queer!" seems like telling them "I am totally into big assed blonde gals with tattoos!" (For the record: I'm not into big assed blonde gals with tattoos. I'm not against them, they're just not a fantasy of mine.)
"Wow, jackass, that's a really awesome coming out story!" I hear an imaginary reader of this post snidely say. (I'm assuming imaginary readers will be all I have.)
But wait! There's more!
No, I didn't write letters or call or have lunch meetings with everyone I know to tell them I was queer because I also didn't feel a need to.
"Oh, nice. Another excuse!" says a different imaginary reader even more snidely.
Yeah, sure, maybe. But as I see it coming out isn't for anyone but yourself. (Sort of...See below.) It's for you to do so you can live the life you want to live. And that's what I did for myself.
"How?" a third imaginary reader asks in pleasant nonjudgmental tone. (Wow! THREE imaginary readers, so cool!)
If anyone asks me some rude and prying personal question about my sexual orientation I'll answer them honestly.
I 'm not going to worry if what I read or watch or listen to or like on Facebook might suggest that I'm gay.
I won't try to jam the gaydar of the occasional gay guy I meet through work or friends.
And that's pretty much it. I'll be who I am publicly and if anyone asks I'll tell them...Though I might first reply with "Why do you want to know? Do you want to sleep with me?"
Now the funny thing about all of this is that I'm pretty sure all my friends and family assume I'm gay. This has nothing to do with any outward behavior (other than awesomness) but because I'm middle aged, single, and have never dated or talked about dating. In our society that means G-A-Y because every man who would want to be with a woman would be with one, right?
No one ever drops me hints or tries to get me to go see a production of Mama Mia with them or tries to set me up on dates. If they do assume I'm gay they must think I'm celibate or asexual. (Or not dating material in which case they're probably right.)
Now there is an important exception to the comfortably convenient notion that coming out is personal and done for yourself only...When a guy comes out it let's other "closeted" guys know that it's doable and it's OK to be queer.
Coming out also puts a face on the whole LGBTQ thing for any stick-up-the-ass relatives and friends a guy might have. It's easy to hate a faceless concept, harder (though unfortunately not impossible) to hate your friend, brother, or son.
In defense of my never having had a coming out party I'll point out that my whole adult life I've been a liberal loudmouth about equal rights for all people and I'd particularly drag someone onto the mat over LGBTQ issues.
I also never pretended to be straight. (OK, I did hide my gay porn but left my straight porn in a box under the edge of the bed.) I never faked having a girlfriend, I always used gender neutral pronouns when yacking about love or writing lyrics and poems. (Relax! I have no plans on sharing any poetry with you.)
But...I also never said "Damn! He's cute as hell!" in front of my friends when some cute as hell actor came on a TV show.
I'm never going to throw that coming out party for myself, especially as at my age it'd seem silly. It's sweet when a young guy comes out to his dog (an Adventures In Gay comic that I can't locate now) and then his parents. But a middle aged guy? Just start being open and don't lie about it.
Throwing the coming out party at my age would imply that all my life up to now has been lived under some dark shadow. But it hasn't. Sort of. I genuinely don't know how my life would have gone if, when I was 23 I had a talk with my dog and then the important people in my life. (My family isn't really on that list. Even if I were straight and dating I wouldn't introduce my girlfriend to my family. Too much crazy.)
But party and heart-to-hearts aside what matters most is that I will no longer check myself if I want to tell someone about a great queer film or musician. Or if I want to like Adventures In Gay on Facebook, which I did earlier today which meant that all 200 of the mostly complete strangers I call "friends" could have seen the notice "Barry Bark* liked Adventures In Gay" and I don't care.
*Not his real name.
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