Nobody's Somebody

With one possible exception, I've never had anyone show romantic interest in me. I've also never really had anyone show social interest in me beyond party invites and the occasional casual dinner get together.

I hadn't noticed that I'm apparently not friend material until a few years ago when the lives of most my actual friends became consumed with marriage and kids. All but one of my friends live in other western states. I used to call them all fairly regularly but over the years they had less and less time to talk on the phone. I continued writing letters and sending postcards. I also texted regularly, texts I figured were humorous or comments on the news. Most my friends rarely respond to the texts.

I have quite a few acquaintances and Facebook friends, almost all of them are related to a couple hobbies I have. There are occasional parties and I always have a great time talking with my acquaintances, they're generally smart people with a wide range of interests and good senses of humor. But none of them have ever become actual friends. A couple attempts to get together have either been canceled, felt obligatory, or never happened due to the others being always busy. 

So between my old friends sort of fading out to living memories and my not making any new friends I eventually concluded that I'm probably not that interesting of a person to be around. 

That's a difficult conclusion to deal with but the evidence seems to be there. I sort of feel bad about it yet it's a reality I just accept.

As far as the romantic aspect...I'd never thought seriously about romance since my mid 20s. Back then I had some serious crushes (on women) which led to heavy anguish about never falling in love. 

I also had a feeling that certain aspects of life needed to be shared to fully enjoy them. One night I was watching a heavy first snow fall and wishing I had this mythical she to go for a walk in the snow with and I realized I could enjoy the falling snow all by myself. I headed out for an amazing walk and stopped actively seeking love.

Because I haven't been looking for romance for so long it only occurred to me rather recently that no one has ever been interested in me. 

Though in my mind I still think I'm unattractive I'm actually an OK looking guy, depending on the angle from which you're looking (the ideal angle at which I look best is across a room of trolls and zombies). I've never had a problem hooking up with decent and good looking guys, a few have embarrassed me with comments on my looks. I've also had some female friends tell me that friends of theirs have made positive comments about my looks. 

I apparently am likable enough in person. No one tries to escape my presence when we're talking at parties. (I don't corner people with talk, I'm super conscious of annoying others.)

So though I'm evidentially not a trollish dullard I am also not boyfriend material. That leads me back to the conclusion that, even though I'm good enough for a party conversation or online exchange on art or politics, I'm not that interesting. 

It's a fact I just accept the way I accept the reality that I'm not stunningly good looking or I'm an inch or so shy of being six feet tall. Yes, I'd like to be better looking, but I never will be. So I accept it. I wish I were a guy interesting people wanted to spend time with but I'm not. So I accept it. And write tedious blog posts about it.