High School: The Bad Bit

My high school friend-with-benefits Nate was pretty successful at fooling around with a lot of other high school guys. I'd guess in the cold light of day some of those guys regretted the fooling around, that's not uncommon during the adolescent “experimentation” phase. I doubt any of them ever said anything about it to anyone or even joked with their friends about "gay Nate."

Nate had a good sense for the guys who wouldn't care who was sucking their dicks and the guys who might have more than a little curiosity about dicks themselves.

The guys in the first category would be the types who wouldn't think anything of the experience once they came.

Guys in the second category would be extremely cautious about drawing attention to their sexuality. Tossing accusatory words and names towards a guy you had some traceable connection to could mean attention might focus on you. “Hey! He's a fag...And you used to go swim in his pool with him!”  (Nate's family had an indoor pool, very rare in our area, which made it a useful lure for Nate. Invite a guy over, suggest they swim naked, and the rest is standard porn fodder.)

It was a guy that never took the bait that eventually outed Nate and, by association, me. 

Nate had been chatting up our fellow classmate, Mike, a very popular guy who was a good acquaintance of mine. Mike and Nate were in some after school club or activity together and Nate had been using his usual charm assault of sex jokes and talk of porn and how cool his house and pool were and “you should come stay overnight sometime.”

But Mike was savvy enough to figure out what Nate was getting at. Mike made a connection between me and Nate heading off campus together during lunch or after school and he was crafty enough to back up his suspicions about Nate's intentions with information from me. 

Mike and I were involved in student government and some other nerdy activities. We were also both movie and comedy fans and occasionally talked on the phone about those subjects.

During one of those conversations Mike brought up Nate. I already knew Nate thought Mike was a guy who might be up for some fooling around, I had thought Mike could be like that myself. I also didn't think anyone was suspicious about Nate and me sometimes heading off campus in his pickup during lunch or after school, a lot of guys did that. So I had no reason to be guarded about my comments on Nate. I didn't make any innuendo, I just certified he was an alright guy.

Mike, who really wasn't a jerk, apparently went ahead and released his suspicions to his popular friends. In the early 80s in a high school with less than a thousand students Mike's speculation (probably coupled with some additional comments from guys Nate had fooled around with who wanted to prevent any connections being made) that Nate and I were gay spread pretty damned fast.

I can't even recall how I heard the rumor. But I got a lot of the classic looks and muttering in the halls and classrooms. A couple of times a few guys who I thought might be gay we're at the center of little groups smirking and looking my way. I caught a look on the face of those guys, a mix of relief that focus was off them and worry that they might get the fag tag next.

Except for two incidents I can't recall if anyone actually confronted me directly. 

One of the direct incidents came from Angela, a somewhat weird and wild girl who I had an English class with. I don't think she was actually being mean, she might have been trying to be casual about the idea that I might be gay. I came into class one day at the height of the rumor's freshness and in pre-class conversation Angela spun around in her chair and asked me if I was going to move to San Francisco after graduation. In the early 80s that was pretty much the same as saying “Are you going to move to Fag Town?”

Everyone within earshot froze and stared in shock at Angela. Their looks clearly said “Angela...It's OK to gossip and joke about it behind his back but you can't be direct about it, that's just rude.”

I dismissed her question as being ridiculous and managed to make the moment move on.

The other direct incident came from my friend Frank. He was wearing an IZOD polo shirt with the alligator on it. I'd joked with Frank a lot about how much I hated the whole preppy thing and on that day I had a black X I'd made from electrical tape that I stuck over the alligator on his shirt. Frank pulled it off and asked in a hostile tone “Did you do that so you could touch me?”

That really pissed me off. Other than maybe a shove or jostle I'd never touched Frank (I wasn't a physically demonstrative guy). I'd also never made jokes about his fine features or high voice. I'd knocked down gay comments people had made about Frank. And though I thought Frank was cute I was never attracted to him.

Frank and I weren't all that friendly after that. I didn't spurn his friendship, to do so would suggest he'd been right in his accusation. But I cant recall us doing anything together other than attend a class we both had.

About a decade later I found out that Frank had his own reason to put distance between us back in high school. I was working as a cook at a Seattle catering place when Frank and another guy came in. They were organizing some event and stopped by to go over details. I didn't deal with them directly, they were meeting with my boss. If Frank recognized me it didn't show. He looked and was dressed pretty much the same as he did in high school except he was taller and filled out and his voice was deeper. He looked masculine, yet he still looked like a certain type of grown up preppy woman. After Frank and friend left my boss made a remark that made me realize the other guy was Frank's boyfriend.

After the rumor flurry in high school I of course cut my public ties to Nate. That's what closeted queer guys do when their FWB gets unwanted attention. I probably spoke with him on the phone after the rumor flurry but we never headed off campus together again.

The rumors died down. I didn't' lose any good friends nor was I ostracized. It was the very end of my senior year and everyone was focused on graduation or summer vacation and the novelty of the notion that someone might be queer wore off.

That was no doubt a relief to Frank and all the other Mason High queer guys I never knew about. I've never had any interest in high school reunions but occasionally hear a trickle of info about a former fellow student who turned out to be gay and I of course wonder what their life was like while we were schoolmates.

Though my friendship with Nate ended up with me in a bad place for a bit I was unusually lucky to have had a friend from middle school through high school that I could openly talk about guys with.