Coming Out (A Rehash)

I think this is a rehash of the topic. I apologize to my imaginary readers, especially as you all have such excellent memories.

I believe a guy comes out for himself so he can live the life he wants to live. Though more people coming out probably makes it easier for others to come out I don't think coming out is something anyone has to do. 

I've never done the "There's something I want to tell you..." tour of friends and family coming out thing. I've never felt a desire or need to do it just as I don't tell people I'm a Christian or a Liberal unless it makes sense to do so in the conversation. 

I'm not sure when I came out to myself. I've always liked guys (physically) and never had a problem with the fact that I did (other than some religion fueled anguish in my late teens). When I was in middle school I read about bisexuality and felt "bisexual" described me, though it wasn't anything I figured I needed to tell anyone. I wasn't interested in guys romantically, I just liked seeing them naked and fooling around with them. 

I might have felt a need to come out if I had been interested in guys romantically and if I were interested in a romantic relationship. But a lot of social norms type stuff never occurred to me.* 

I also didn't have to come out because of the way I looked or talked or my interests. I've learned via Internet forums that a lot of guys sort of had/have no choice in coming out because it's impossible for them to hide. People have always assumed they're gay.

I've never had anyone ask if I was gay. This probably has to do with our cultural notions of what a gay guy is like. Other than a talent for interior decorating and  being able to put together a nice party or dinner I don't have any of the culturally cliche gay things going on. Even a couple gay acquaintances of mine, guys who are more gay nerds than gay sitcom characters, have apparently not figured out that I'm queer.** 

Sex lives aren't anything my friend's and I have ever discussed in much detail (as guys are always doing in TV shows and movies...I think that's another myth we've come to take as fact), so even once I realized how easy it was to hook up with guys there was nothing to reveal to anyone.

I also used to have no interest in most culturally gay things. What little I'd seen or knew of gay culture didn't appeal to me. I only sought out gay books or movies for the guy-on-guy sex, not to find something I identified with. Though I never took an anti-gay stance I sometimes felt guilty that I had no interest in gay culture. 

It wasn't until my late 40s that I became interested in gay culture. Somehow for the first time ever the term "queer" suddenly resonated with me as if I'd never heard it before. I began reading queer books and articles, and watching documentaries about queer history. 

Around that time I also came out in one way: I stopped hiding  the titles of books or movies I got from the library or hiding the local gay newspaper when I picked it up. I also went to some queer events, the sort of things I would have avoided before because attending them would essentially be saying “I'm hear cuz I'm queer.”

I always figured if anyone (other than my family***) asked about my sexuality I'd tell them. But no one has ever asked. These days I assume anyone who knows me and who actually thinks about my romantic life (difficult to believe anyone does) just assumes I'm gay...I'm 53, live alone, and have never had a girlfriend or mentioned any romantic interests or activity. That often means gay or social misfit. Or psycho. 

If anyone were to ask if I was gay I'd say "No, I'm queer.” If they wanted to press with further questions they could. But if they asked "What does that mean?" I'd tell them “It means whatever you want it to mean.” As they're the ones who'd be seeking a label I figure they may as well assign meaning to the label. It's not as if they'd believe anything I had to say if it didn't fit in to their opinion of me. 

*I think there are a fair number of people like me, those who haven't followed the relationship pursuit script, but we're off the cultural radar. Happily single, uncoupled people are off the radar in general. As far as the culture is concerned EVERYONE wants to be with someone and life is incomplete until that happens.

**I thought it would be plainly obvious by now yet one of them recently asked me on FaBoo for a “straight guy perspective” on something. I asked him why he'd ask me for a straight guy's opinion but he missed the point that I was not the straight guy he was seeking. This guy is into a lot of gay culture stuff yet seems to have missed the fact that I've liked and followed a lot of queer culture pages, post links to queer musicians or news content, and at the two parties of his I've been to I spent most the night talking in an intense get-to-know-you-better way with a guy who I'd just met. (Nothing came of either conversation except I gained two new FaBoo friends.)

***My family probably all assume I'm gay, but as far as I'm concerned it's none of their business. Even if I were 100% into the ladies I'd never discuss it with my family and I would   never introduce a girlfriend to them. As people, my family are fine, even good. As family they're a complete mess of screaming orneriness or indifference.