Real Me

I've read a fair number of coming out stories by guys who came out in their late 20s and later. There are a lot of reasons for a guy coming out "late"* but a common theme of such stories is the guy got to a point where he just couldn't stand hiding his real self. 

Other than not commenting on how good looking some guy is I never felt like I was hiding my true self by not being out. That had a large part to do with my not having been romantically interested in guys until fairly recently. I was never ignoring the longing of my heart as there was no longing to ignore.

But there is a real me I've essentially squashed and the reason for the squashing was basically societal unease.

My true self is kind of cartoony. I'm a little hyperactive (just a touch). I'm very jokey in almost any situation. I'm occasionally intentionally nonsensical or absurd. I'll make noises I find amusing. I'll repeat phrases or words I like. I'll imitate people I hear on the news or react to the news the way it seems they want me to react (“Oh my gawd, that's OUTRAGEOUS!”). 

I'll sing a bit of song that fits a humorous situation or make up a funny song to sing about the situation at hand. I'll sing fake opera, bark back at dogs, yell gibberish at jerks on the radio or TV, and so on.

I can talk a mile a minute with people I feel are worth talking with. I love riffing on ideas with like minded people. 

I never did any of those things in inappropriate situations. All I ever used to do with strangers was make humorous comments or share situation appropriate trivia to store clerks or cashiers. I would also get talkative with people who were interesting and who liked talking. 

But I started learning in my late teens that the world at large  prefers I basically say nothing at all. And people at large also seemed to be anxious if I happen to make eye contact with them or I'm walking down the sidewalk towards them or sit by them on a crowded bus. 

When I went to college (at age 20 after a couple directionless years) I decided I'd be the sort of reserved, stoic person I for some reason admired. At the time my “style” of dress was oddball vintage. But when I bought clothes for college I skewed towards the classically preppy. I did pack some of my odd shirts and jackets but they weren't part of my plan to be invisible and quiet.

Things went fine for about two weeks. I was very reserved as I got to know people. I didn't joke a lot or get excited about exchanging ideas. I ignored the super artsy guys in the art classes I was in. I didn't listen to any of my punk or new wave music. 

Then one afternoon I just felt like shit mentally. I wasn't depressed, I just felt wrong. For some reason it seemed like a really great idea to go into my dorm room closet and take a nap. So I did. A couple hours later I woke up and realized I was just going to be myself and then I literally came out of the closet. (So to speak.)

The next day I wore my vintage motorcycle jacket to class. It was the first step in being myself which led to me making friends with some fantastic people who are still friends decades later. (I even became good friends with the artsy guys.)

Being yourself while living among friends is fine. The real world wants you to toe the line and fit into a pigeonhole that makes you easy to deal with. So after college I began to reign myself in when it came to my personality.

These days I try to say as little as possible to cashiers and always go to the self check-out if one is available. I try to avoid all eye contact with others in public. If the only open seats on the bus are next to others I'll usually stand.

I also try to not get in conversation with people unless they instigate them. I tend to ask too many questions or talk to quickly about too many things.** When I do  have a hyperactive conversation with someone I often beat myself up about it afterwards.

I don't really have a phobia of being in public but I'm happy once I get out of the store and am in my car or when I make it inside my house and close the door behind me. Then I can relax and just be me.

Fortunately around my friends I can still be myself and even more importantly I'm definitely myself around myself. Some days at home I'm like a weird cartoon. I'm bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun.  Add booze and it can get even weirder. But only ever behind closed doors.

*I believe you finally come out when you're ready for it so there is no such thing as coming out "late."

** I'm not one of those guys who'll force someone to be his audience. I want others to give their thoughts and opinions. Talking to non-talkers is excruciating and I'll only do it when I have to, like when forced together socially. 

My friends in college were the sorts who could engage in back and forth conversation. We'd interrupt each other with points or facts or jokes and the conversations would change and grow and roll along. Apparently in college I met the few people in the world who can do that. The rest of the world wants to make long statements for you to listen to then, maybe, they'll pause to let you reply.